Favorite Beer Stereotypes
Stereotypes, we all use them, whether we’d like to admit it or not. But do not fret dear reader, for we at Honky Tonk Haven are not here to scold y’all or lecture y’all about stereotype use. Instead, we’re actually here to poke some fun at ourselves and have a good chuckle at some harmless stereotypes. Today, we’re looking at America’s favorite beers and the stereotypical drinker of each one. So, sit back, crack a cold beer, and read on.
- Natural (Natty) Light: If you’re drinking natty light, chances are that you’re only a few hours away from hanging your head over a frat house toilet bowl and puking your guts out. The drink of choice across the nation for frat parties and college tailgates, natty light has probably contributed to more nights of drunken debauchery and more freshman frat stars lighting their sofas on fire than any other beer in the nation. If you’re drinking natty light, chances are you’re either A, a fraternity superstar, B, a broke-ass college student, or C, a person who has terrible choice in beer. Hell, maybe you’re some combination of all three.
- Michelob ULTRA: First of all, admit it, their ain’t nothing ULTRA about this watered down beer. It’s marketed as a drink for people who want to “live fit and have fun”, but in reality it’s just a sad excuse for a beer. If you’re drinking this, you’re probably either a blonde sorority girl who hates the taste of real beer or a 45-year-old Dad of three who’s trying to convince himself that he’s drinking some sort of “healthy” beer. Seriously y’all, since the dawn of human time beer has been good at two things: getting people fat and getting people drunk. Michelob Ultra drinkers are people who can’t face this reality, and keep lying to themselves that they aren’t drinking a beer but some sort of “healthy lifestyle fun time adventure cocktail.”
- Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR): Pabst Blue Ribbon drinkers typically fall into two vastly different camps, dirty hipster hippies or rednecks. Seriously, there is no beer on God’s green earth that has a bigger identity crisis than PBR. If you’re drinking PBR, you’re either a God fearing redneck who’s off fishing on your homemade pontoon boat while your angry wife yells at you from shore, or you’re a hipster who’s wearing skinny jeans that are tighter than spandex while sitting at an alternative music, eco-friendly, art festival. Or you’re from Wisconsin, where it’s still normal for pretty much everyone to drink PBR.
- Miller High Life: Ahhhh Miller High Life, the champagne of beers. If asked to picture a High Life drinker, you might imagine someone who’s refined and dignified, a man who has a taste for the finer things in life. After all, this is the “champagne of beers”, a drink for those living “the high life”. You’d also be completely and totally wrong, because anyone that is friends with an avid High Life drinker knows that people who drink the champagne of beers are anything but that. High Life drinkers are America’s average joes, they’re the middle America dad who constantly grumbles that “today’s NASCAR drivers are all pansies,” and say things like “football was better when it was just a fullback dive down the middle. Three yards and cloud of dust, those where the days.” Long live the Miller High Life drinking dad, an American tradition that will never go out of style.
- Lone Star Beer: You’re from Texas. You own a Texas Edition Silverado and listen to 80s George Strait and Mickey Gilley nonstop, but only on CDs. Your all-time favorite movie is Urban Cowboy, and you’ve convinced all your friends that you “were this close” to making it on the bull riding circuit (interestingly enough, you’ve never ridden on a bull in your life). You own ten pairs of cowboy boots, five Resistol hats, and numerous Wrangler pearl snap button down shirts.
- IPAs: That’s right IPA drinkers, I’m lumping all of y’all into one category. To be frank, y’all suck. An IPA drinker is a person who constantly frowns upon others for drinking what they call “inferior light beers that shouldn’t even be considered beers”, and implore folks to try the newest IPA from a micro brewing company that no one has ever heard of. IPA drinkers are the folks who walk into a bar and need to announce to everyone they meet that they only drink IPAs. If you do happen to run into an IPA drinker in a bar, your first exchange with them will probably go like this: “Hello, my name is Frank. Is that a Budweiser I see in your hand?! Hohoho why don’t you grow up and drink an IPA like a real beer connoisseur, you silly hooligan!”
- Rainier Beer: You’re the one and only Walt Longmire, from the badass TV show Longmire.
- Budweiser: Budweiser, aka Bud Diesel. Just as diesel fuel powers oversized unnecessary trucks, this nectar from God fuels the uncontrollable ego of the loudest guy at the bar. You pick out a Budweiser drinker immediately, no matter how crowded and smoky the local dive bar you frequent is. He’s the guy wearing a cutoff open flannel, aggressively hitting on the underage girls that unknowingly snuck right into the eye of the storm. Fortunately he’ll be thrown out before the bar closes as soon as someone side-eyes his poorly inked barbed wire tattoo he got on sale in Daytona Beach 30 years ago, and he decides it’s time to test drive some fighting moves he saw on last month’s pay per view undercard UFC fight.
- Bud Light: This beer is average. Good, but average. This is the guy that shows up to every single high school reunion and people still ask him what his name is. Nothing memorable but all around still solid. If you get a hankerin’ for talking about the weather and how the mid-level job market is looking, this is the guy to talk to. Like the bulk boxes of .22 LR sold at Walmart, hes always a good time to putz around with, but he’s no .50 BMG.
That’s all for today’s stereotypes folks! Did we miss something? Did we leave out your favorite beer? Are you so angry after reading this that you want to drive to the Honky Tonk Haven office and burn it down?! Let us know your thoughts in the comments below! As always, y’all have a great day and be sure to come back now.