What Your Flavor of Dip Says About You

What your flavor of dip says about you…

WARNING: Snowflakes who are easily triggered should click away!

Wintergreen: You are in high school. You were pressured into throwing in a lip for the first time and this was it. Wintergreen is the gateway dip for 90% of the dipping population. It was your first dip, and “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”. Your first buzz had you puking out the side of your older brother’s truck window and your head was spinning so much that you couldn’t even hear or bother to care about him and all his friends laughing their asses off. But you didn’t care. You were hooked. Now ahead lies the road of hiding putrid wintergreen smelling spitters from your parents and scrounging together every extra dime you earned mowing your neighbor’s lawn to continue to fuel your now nicotine dependent body.

Mint: Dipping mint used to be cool. Copenhagen released it to a select few states and this dipper was in one of them. Going out of state to visit friends and pulling out this elusive beast of a dip made you the coolest guy at any bonfire or the guy everyone wanted to be paired with in the deer stand. People would sell their burnt out livers to pay for this unicorn of a dip. Now that it’s nationwide, the appeal wore out like a pair of $20 shit-kickers on an old west cattle ranch. Guys who dip mint are still talking about how they “would’ve gone all the way” if their knee hadn’t tweaked during their “reign” as the starting backup left guard on their AAA high school football team that won state the year after he graduated. It’s time to wake up and smell the cow pies mint dippers, its 2018 now, time to move on.

Straight: You finally graduated high school, and with it comes the graduation from wintergreen. This is the other most popular dip flavor, and therefore, the logical next step. This dip is like throwing fender flares on a stock truck. Sure it’s not as basic as the standard model, but it’s really not an upgrade either. You pull this can out in front of your wintergreen dipping friends and feel like a lion amongst sheep, dipping the “hard stuff” compared to all of these yuppies. In reality, straight is taking a side step away from wintergreen. It’s just another dip that tastes more like candy than real tobacco. You don’t care though, because you won’t hesitate to call every wintergreen dipper a pansy for their “childish” taste.

Unflavored/Natural: If you thought straight dippers had a sense of entitlement, you haven’t met an unflavored dipper. What this dip lacks in flavor, is made up for in its users superiority complex. Laughing at the “kids” who pack shredded candy canes into their un-calloused lips. Complaining that all other flavors are “too sweet” and proclaiming how they “used to dip wintergreen, but then I grew up”. This guy is probably worked a manual labor job once, but you’d have thought he built Atlanta from the ground up with his bare hands by the way he talks about his “gritty, blue collar” lifestyle. The unflavored dipper is on the final leg of his dipping journey. The cuts of unflavored dip have left his gums so tore up that he can’t pack the sweeter dips anymore, even if he wanted to. Which he doesn’t. He brags about how he, “doesn’t need a spiter anymore” because he just guts it now. Sure his tolerance is high enough to pull it off, but it’s more because he doesn’t want to face the reality that his spit is more blood than actual saliva now.

Fruity: You are a girl. Even if you aren’t, you are. This girl probably drives her dad’s hand-me-down pick-up truck and proudly flaunts a “this ain’t my boyfriend’s truck” decal that makes her rear window borderline unusable. She goes out of her way to show how “country” she is, and that she’s tougher than every guy she’s ever dated. Which is a lot. Her social media consists of pictures of her posing in a bikini that’s too small, laid out on the hood of her truck and shared Copenhagen advertisements. Bonus points if the fruit dip is in pouch form.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s